Bio of the Author of Assorted Noodlings & Scrimpy Diddlings

 

 

IN THE BEGINNING…

Mike Shannon is one of the original Cubans who came to America via the Marial Boat Lift in 2003’s. He was a bit late getting to the rendezvous point in Cuba on that fateful morning and arrived just as the ricky boat carrying his family and friends disappeared over the horizon. Determined to gain his freedom, Miguel (as he was known in those days) grabbed a near by rubber dingy and a large palm-fron to paddle with. When he was a couple miles out to sea, he could not help but notice that the strong Caribbean currents carried him and his tiny boat away from the sunny beaches of Miami, and 9 weeks later, he landed in Wasilla Alaska.

ALWAYS BE PREPARED BUBALA

It’s a good thing he packed that can of sardines and mittens before leaving Cuba. “Always plan ahead!” his daughter Arielle would always tell him in a fake yiddish accent. But she was not born yet, so Mike had to draw on that advice years later using hind sight. In Wasilla, Mike met a good looking weather girl with political aspirations who was dumber than a box of hair. He nervously asked her out, and they ended up dating on and off for at least 2 or 3 hours, then he totally got his freak on. They stayed together at least 2 or 3 more hours but Mike made the difficult decision to break up because he was hungry and had to leave.

HE WAS A NATURAL, NATURALLY

But he rode that gravy train long enough to get in with the locals and their weekly Friday night hockey game. Mike quickly learned that he was a natural at hockey and was signed by the Toronto Maple Leafs the next Monday morning. To celebrate, Mike put 2 pieces of bologna on his head and shouted, “look at me… I can play the glockenspiel”. That year, behind Mike’s record setting season, the Leafs won not 2 but 3 Stanley Cups and the NHL awarded Mike with the Hart Memorial TrophyVezina TrophyCalder Memorial TrophyArt Ross TrophyJames Norris Memorial TrophyConn Smythe Trophy and the Nobel Science Prize for inventing a cure for being willfully and persistently, a douche bag. Turns out, according to Mike, all you had to do was just “CHILLAX!” Donald Trump was the first to call and offered Mike $1,000,000 if he could cure him of his douchness. Something that countless doctors failed to do. So he told the Don to “hey man, just CHILLAX!” and cashed the check – all in Canadian Nickels. Mike just LOVES those little beavers… who doesn’t?

PRACTICE MAKES PEFECT

N-E-Hoo… the first thing Mike bought was an elbow of crippy, the entire Moody Blues discography on 8 track, 1 Pez dispenser, a feather boa and 3 moderately used tires. With the nickels he had left over, he made the move to South Florida to reunite with those mother fuckers who left him on the beach in Cuba 18 months earlier. After they embraced, Mike proceeded to flog them, 1 at a time, with live eels, killing them all eventually in a slow, painful and gory death. While doing so, Mike practiced his maniacal laugh. After flogging 14 Cubans with live eels for many hours, Mike’s maniacal laugh was indeed improved, much to his delight. While he was dumping the bodies in the Everglades, he met girl named Nyug Incubator Sclorflintozzlebitzleplintz III who was working as an airboat tour operator and part time gator wrestler. She was originally a French seamstress from Germany that lived in Florida, working nights as a Hank Williams Jr. impersonator mostly in Davie bars, while studying ant farming culture at BCC to eventually qualify for her New Zealand citizenship so she could finally get her hands on a fresh, authentic Kiwi frui… are you still reading this? geez, get a life!

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