What If Jesus Was Fat?

Would That Image On The Crucifix Be As Easy To Sell Without The Hollywood Looks And 6-Pack Abs?

Fat Jesus It’s my feeling that they could not possibly SELL Jesus to the masses like they have unless he was thin, white and good looking. Considering that the bible was the first book ever published, that makes it the very first marketing campaign in human history, and clearly, the most successful. But if you think about it, the smallest thing might have derailed that effort and forever changed the course of human history.

Let’s Consider The Possibilities… 

WHAT IF JESUS WAS FAT?

Jesus Pretty

Crucifixes would look like Budda-on-a-Stick. What if he was outright ugly? Do you think that would have ‘sold’ better than this image above? I mean… that’s a seriously good looking man right there. So I’m thinkin’… not so much. And ya’ gotta love that little split goatee action. What are the chances that 2,000 years ago, in the middle east, Jesus was a perfectly clean, english speaking, well manicured, thin, good looking white guy with GREAT hair?! I’m thinkin’… not so much. And the fact that absolutely NO evidence as to his ACTUAL looks exists – anywhere – not even in the bible itself – leads me to wonder… where did these images come from? Richard Nixon said that if it wasn’t for the advent of television in the 60’s, that he would have won over Kennedy hands down. Most experts agree. Why? Because he wasn’t as PRETTY as Kennedy! A sad but true commentary to the ease of which you can sway the masses based on outward appearances. And that  trumps character, experience and know-how, even when it comes to very important decisions like, “who should be the president”, and “who should I promise my everlasting soul to?”. It’s my considered opinion that the powers that be figured that out LONG before ol’ J.C. walked the earth.

So let’s consider ALL possibilities, and just how the events of human history might have unfolded…

WHAT IF JESUS WAS BLACK?

Do you think Willem Defoe would still have gotten the lead in the The Last Temptation of Christ?

LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST, Barbara Hershey, Willem Dafoe, Harvey Keitel, 1988

Or maybe it would have been Morgan Freeman?

Jesus Freeman

Or even better, Samuel L. Jackson…

LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST, Barbara Hershey, Willem Dafoe, Harvey Keitel, 1988

“And you will know my name is the lord, when I lay my vengeance upon you!”

Notice how “Jimmy the Wolf” got the part of 2nd banana. My how the tables turn when you’re the son of god. Even if you are black! So how would it have effected human history if Jesus WAS black? Would it then be the whites that were forcibly ripped away from their families and dragged from Europe to Africa against their will, to do all the black man’s work for them in the diamond mines? And Africa would go on to being the richest and most powerful nation on earth? Would the American Indian still be here? Would blacks have enslaved the Romans and Jews and would they have tried to exterminate the Nazis to the horror of non-whites everywhere? Would Musolini have been a spineless bitch?… Oh yeah… he WAS a spineless bitch.

WHAT IF JESUS HAD DOWN SYNDROME?

LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST, Barbara Hershey, Willem Dafoe, Harvey Keitel, 1988

Now every Downs person I’ve ever met is the sweetest, most wonderful human you could ever come to know… but do you think that would have sold as well as a thin, good looking white guy? I mean it’s all about the message right? It’s about what Jesus SAID, NOT how he LOOKED right? I know in my heart that if we all acted like Downs folks, we’d all love each other. So if Jesus was a Downs baby – how exalted would the Catholic church be today? WHAT IF JESUS WAS JEWISH? What? He WAS?… oh… never mind then. (and what’s THAT all about anyway?) WHAT IF JESUS WAS A WOMAN? Well we’d all be fucked then wouldn’t we? WHAT IF JESUS WAS A STONER? Are you kidding me? Do have any idea the amount of stress that comes with being “the son of god”. Adolescence must have been pure hell (so to speak), so of COURSE he was a stoner! Besides, how else is he going to rebel?… go joy riding on the family camel?

TOPICAL VIDEO

WHAT IF JESUS WAS GAY?

IMG_6495

Maybe Judas (the one on the far left) was NOT a filthy back stabber, but instead, was caught up in a sordid love-triangle, enraged with jealously over Mary Magdalin (the one on the right)… that fag-haggin’, transvestite, bee-yatch. If Jesus was gay, there’s be no need for “don’t ask don’t tell”, but instead we’d have, “why ask? isn’t it obvious?” Just how different might things have been if…?

WHAT IF JESUS WAS A DOG?

Do we have to confine ourselves to homo sapiens here in this hypothetical diddling? After all, what is GOD spelled backwards (how’s THAT for a poser)? Would cats then replace the jews as the most persecuted living beings on the planet? If Jesus was a dog… would everyone drive with thier head’s out of the window? Would licking your own privates in public be ok? Would licking your own privates be even POSSIBLE?! I’m not gonna lie… the DOG theory is starting to sound better and better.

Moldy Jesus

Would people with southern drawls still flock to see images of the son of DOG in the mold in the bathroom showers or in burnt toast or tree stumps? I just can’t believe such images would carry the same weight. (folks… I’m NOT making this up!): http://www.theblaze.com/stories/out-of-control-shower-mold-or-mildew-creates-alleged-image-of-jesus-christ-in-a-tx-home

WHAT IF JESUS WAS ORDINARY: Just Like The Rest of Us

According to Occan’s razor, all things being equal, the simplest explanation is probably the correct one. So what’s easier to believe?… that Jesus was an ordinary guy that went all “Justin Beiber” on the general populous with his words of uncommon wisdom ~ or ~ that he’s the son god, born to a virgin, died at 33, only to rise from the dead 3 days later… as accounted for by stories written 300 years AFTER the alleged events took place? Me? I’m going with the former as a tad bit more plausible. But I have a question while I’m here… if Jesus rose from the dead 3 days later… when did he die again? Did he just float away? Did he step out of the tomb and say, “wuzzzap?!” just to freak everyone out, and then go back in? If it was me, “wuzzzap” would definitely be up there with things I would say, but I also think “Ta-Da!” is another good candidate. Maybe he didn’t make the ‘Arc Guest List’ because he didn’t have a plus-1 that was his equal and got washed away in the flood right after walked out the door. How’d that be for irony eh? If there is a god, this would be typical of his sense of humor.

Ordinary Guy

So what if Jesus looked like THIS guy? If he did, Darren Stevens couldn’t sell this mug on a coffee mug, never mind a world wide, faith based donation scam. What if Jesus looked like Bill Murray or Milton Burrell? Would we still place the same significance on external beauty or would we exalt outward ugliness? Would our impression of what’s beautiful and what’s ugly be reversed entirely? Would we be putting posters up of Phyllis Diller and Don Rickels in our dorm rooms? Would plastic surgeons even exist at all? Would people with perfect noses (like our friend above) play hockey withOUT a face guard in the hope that they get their noses flattened? Would Owen Wilson be the poster child for perfect noses, and would he worship Jimmy Durante like Christians do Jesus?

THE MANY FACES OF JESUS

The fact is that we have NO CLUE what he looked like. In fact, we have no clue about ANYTHING in the bible as the entire thing is one giant guess. And calling it a ‘guess’ is putting kindly from this writer’s point of view… but I digress. The fact that Jesus’ so called ‘image’ is plastered all over the universe smacks of “Ad Campaign” to me. And like a Vogue Magazine cover of Beyonce that’s been photoshopped to beat the band regardless of how perfect she is to begin with, and this is certainly no exception. For religion to be successful enough for it to “catch on” – you know, like the iPhone, they needed early sales…  LOTS of them! Because if Che Guevara looked like Thurston Howell III, he well may have still been revered as a revolutionary hero, but he’d sure as hell not enjoy the profits from those black and red posters everyone had in their dorm rooms. So… much like ad campaigns of today, Jesus’ image  has been tweaked and messaged to get it juuuust right over time. So here’s a look at the different ‘guesses’ of Jesus’ likeness… a time capsule as it were, of the church’s attempt to maximize market potential.

Might this have been the first crack at anime? This “spun off” to spawn a profitable animated porn industry.

Jesus8

I told ya’ he was a stoner! (I just couldn’t resist ok?) Did they always sleep on plates back then?

Jesus7

That’s quite the complex coif. And what’s with the fingers?

Jesus6

Apparently, he lived right around the time when the first barber shop was invented. Again with the fingers! And is that a bible that he’s gripping there… the book… written about him… hundreds of years after he died? I’m sure the continuity department got a good scolding for that oversight.

Jesus5

NOW we’re getting there! Note the regal robe-cape-thing. Apparently, the in-fashion for desert dwelling back in the day. Now THIS could SELL! And apparently did! And there’s that split goatee again! That must have tracked well in early focus groups.

Jesus4

DAAAAMMNNN… now this has simply GOT to be the son of god! A tabloid cover favorite to be sure. Notice how this Jesus was a complete departure from the Jewish Jesus. Looks like the marketing department figured out that the jewish look doesn’t trend well with their target demographic – the uneducated red-neck. So enter the Adonis-Jesus… handsome and rugged. Not only did this image mark a dramatic serge in donations to the church, but it also launched a smashing and very profitable line of fragrances.

Jesus3

I’m pretty sure that this Jesus was an ancestor of Allen Iverson! It’s rumored that J.C. was an awesome hoops player back in the day. And I think this answers the question “what if Jesus was black” because if I’m the marketing director, I’d never let this ‘proof’ see the light of day.

Jesus2

Now this is the ONLY depiction I’ve EVER seen that makes Jesus appear like a regular person.

Jesus1

Clearly, this was rendered by an anthropologist with a gift for artistic rendering and not a religious (or marketing) type. To say this image was flatly rejected by the marketing department would be a wild understatement. Word has it that the author of this blasphemy was stoned and then burned alive by the Pope himself, right after he flogged the guy the did the black Jesus above. I find this to be the most interesting rendering of them all in that it’s typical of the ethnic characteristics of that time and region, unapologetically replete with Jewish nose! But again, it’s just not sellable (think Thurston Howell III’s plummeting poster sales). This guy would be panned as either a guy trying to sell a ‘suspiciously acquired’ camel to a too-trusting buyer looking for a bargain, or panhandling for loose change at the market. Regardless of this chap’s actual vocation, doesn’t he just have that “I didn’t do it” look about him? I just can’t imagine himself at the front of the line of the “son of god” job opening.

CLICK FOR ANOTHER TOPICAL VIDEO

Even though the last image might be the most logically easy to believe, how would recent human history have been changed if THIS was the guy all the religious types have been tripping over?

Or worse…

What if Jesus Was Fat?

Inspiration & Reference: http://www.popularmechanics.com/science/health/forensics/1282186