Fins Report: Game -5 The Fins Are Back!

Dion Jordan

The new season is upon us and that is decidedly a good thing. I would like to take a moment to thank the Miami Heat for providing the most entertaining, and seemingly shortest Dolphin’s off-season in franchise history. But the Fins have much to do before being declared “BACK” from their self imposed playoff purgatory by way of 10+ years of front office futility.

Grumpy Blogger… Afura!”

The "NOT Grumpy" Blogger

The “NOT Grumpy” Blogger

In the interest of ‘clean slating’ this thing… let me start this season on a positive note by officially dispensing of last season’s “Grumpy Blogger” self-moniker. This is my ‘tip of the hat’ to the Fins’ brass for legitimately trying to change the culture with their incredibly entertaining and wildly aggressive off-season maneuvers. Was everyone out there as stunned as I was when they traded up to get Jordan at #3 over all? Whether he ever pans out or not… I LIKE that they went after him. Unlike the Marlins… these Dolphins are actually TRYING to win. Let’s see how that’s working out for them…

ZIP-THUD! Time To Whip It Out Boys!

After the most aggressive off season I can remember, the Fins opened the pre-season with a resounding THUD in Canton at the Hall of Fame game vs. Dallas on Sunday. But the THUD had more to do with viewer entertainment than actual team assessment. In the 1st of 5 pre-season games… the ONLY thing you can take from a game like this is hopeful glimpses of individual talent from our many new players. Dion Jordan showed he has that ‘around the end’ speed, but we all knew he had that and he’s got much to learn (and another 20 lbs. to add) before he’s competing at an NFL level. And despite the optimism-dousing fumble on the very first offensive snap of the new season, Lamar Miller looks VERY FAST! But this writer is not surprised as I saw the same flashes last year. But I’m not gonna lie… I was reaching for the recently eschewed ‘Grumpy Blogger’ moniker after that one. Past that, there was absolutely NOTHING to report on this game as half the players in the game from the 2nd quarter on will likely be cut before the month is out. On top of that, we had the O-Line shuffling about, we were missing our 2 starting receivers, both defensive tackles (the heart and soul of our defense if not our team), and the 1st team offense had VERY limited reps. All of this makes assessing the “TEAM” as a whole an exercise in futility.

Merrill Hodge Is A Dick!

Of course, that didn’t stop Merrill Hodge, the very well dressed, ESPN-talking-head-analyst, from blabbering what ever came into his tiny little head after the game. After all, they DO have to blabber SOMEthing right? What he said was that “Ryan Tennehill has a lot of work to do”… referring to Tenny’s 2-5 for 11 yards to a bunch of girl scouts in about 27 seconds of work. Some might call that a “small sample size”. Count me as one of them. He then went on to further claim that “Dolphin fans should be very concerned about the Miami offense”. Heady stuff from a “Warehouse For Men” mannequin. I believe he is also the one that penned G.W. Bush’s famous “Mission Accomplished” banner, and the one that called the last Space Shuttle Challenger flight “a resounding success” just as it cleared the tower.

Dapper Dick Head

Dapper Dick Head

Why so grumpy?… well I’ll TELL ya why! Merrill and me… we got history – though he may not be aware of it. In the late 90’s (or there abouts) I was attending a Fins home game vs. the Steelers. The fins opened up a 20-0 lead half way through the 2nd quarter and were cruising! But then, a horrendous – and I mean HORRENDOUS torrential downpour cooled off the Dolphin offense and seemingly rendered the defense useless (which they were anyway as during the 90’s, no rendering was necessary). So I pathetically sat in that downpour and watch as the Steelers, with Merrill Hodge at running back, chipped away at that lead, until eventually, they dominated in the 2nd half and won easily by 2 touchdowns. The winning score came from The Dick himself, running about 40 yards down MY side line with the Keystone Cops, dressed as Dolphin players, sliding, tripping and bumbling and stumbling about, pathetically trying to tackle him. I believe we tackled a ref, 3 cheer leaders, Dolfan Denny and that stupid fucking dog on the play – ANYone but Hodge. So… that SERIOUSLY sucked, and consequently, as far as I’m concerned, Merrill Hodge is a dick!

But Merrill’s and my personal history not withstanding… his assessment of the Dolphins after this pre-season game might go down in NFL history as the earliest pushing of a panic button regarding a player or a team, in any season – EVER! But in fairness, I must also acknowledge that it’s possible that my assessment of Hodge, based on that 1 game in the 90’s, Just might be as knee-jerky is his assessment of Tenny after 5 passes and 27 seconds of pre-season action. But this is MY blog… so he’s still a dick ok!?

Next Up For The Fins…

Goose-Steppin' Richie

Goose-Steppin’ Richie

This Friday, at 7:30 EST, the Dolphins travel to ‘who knows?’ and plays ‘who cares?’ in their 2nd and sure to be, just as exciting and revealing pre-season contest (as in NOT and NOT). I heard they’re starting Medowlark Lemon at center which means the Dolphins are REALLY in trouble and a Senate Inquiry is sure to follow… “RIGHT MERRIL YOU DICK!?” But if I’m looking for any signs of progress from a ‘team’ perspective, I would like to see fewer mental errors and especially NO turn overs. Taking a few away would also be peachy. And I sure wouldn’t mind seeing Wallace get behind the defense a couple times even if they don’t even throw him the ball. It might also add to the entertainment factor if Richie Incognito bitch slaps one of the cheerleaders for laughing at his ‘goose step’.

PS: was anyone as surprised as I was that Bill Parcells actually finished his entire H.O.F. speech?

GO FINS!

Please remember to contribute to my inflated sense of self importance…

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One comment

  1. Zac Shannon · August 7, 2013

    GO FINS!

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