Mike Shannon’s Unsolicited Miami Dolphins 2014 Kick-Off Report

Before I get to the report, I know it has nothing to do with scoring
points or winning games, but I just love this shit…

#11 Mike Wallace / #17 Ryan Tennehill / #71 Brandon Albert / #40 Zac Shannon

#11 Mike Wallace / #17 Ryan Tennehill / #71 Brandon Albert / #40 Zac Shannon

Mercifully, the pre-season is behind us and next up,
we have the stinkin’ Pats at home with live bullets!

My Observations…

Tenny: Looks good! It’s hard to believe he threw 24 TDs last year from his back, so it all hinges on the o-line giving him time consistently. If that happens, and with the weapons we have, I see him having a banner year. It might also be noted that we might have one of the best back ups in the league in Moore. I always liked that guy, but I hope we don’t need him!

O-Line: Who the hell knows. What I DO know is that this team’s success this season hinges entirely on this unit getting back to respectability. Doing so means we can run, which means we can pass, which means we can score, which means the defense gets better, which means more wins. Are we seeing a pattern yet? FA Albert (that’s Free Agent… not Fat) appears to be the real deal, Pouncy anchoring center after his suspension, and J’wan James seems to be impressing also. I couldn’t even name the guards. I hope I can before mid season, which means they’re still playing.

The Defense: Picking up right where they left off… great at rushing the passer… bad a tackling the rusher. And through this pre-season, their nasty habit of pounding offenses into submission on 1st & 2nd down is offset by giving up big plays on 3rd. I don’t want to hear this is a “great defense but…” thing again. If they don’t DOMINATE this season… then I’m just flat out perplexed.

Thigpen: The addition and promise of Landry at WR and Moreno at RB plus his abysmal pre-season game 4 might get him cut… but his special teams play might save him as long as he doesn’t muff punts, and then turn around and kick it 18 yards backwards.

Daniel Thomas: Played well in the last game as usual… but not great as usual… always injured as usual…. no special teams value as usual. He’s a hold-over Ireland project, so… al la Egnew… see ya’ later bye!

Studs: Don’t look now but we got ’em! Here’s my list… Wake-Wake & Wake, Vernon, Grimes, Albert, Pouncy, Clay, Hartline…

Could Be Studs: Moreno / Miller (see offensive line), Tenny, Landry…

Wallace: Doesn’t fit the ‘stud’ moniker but is already a critical cog in the machine, even WITH the ballyhooed missed-deep-connections. The new offense will make him even a bigger piece of the puzzle. And even if he never catches anything longer than 20 yards.. the defense still has to respect his speed, which he’s got an abundance of.

Free Agents: Albert, Delmas, Finnigan, Moreno… all signs are good as of this moment. Don’t know enough about the fat guy in the middle that replaced Solia to have an opinion, but if our linebackers are making tackles on the edges, then he’s officially elevated to “Stud” status, and I’ll have to learn his name.

Diamonds In The Rough: It very much looks like the Fins struck gold in the 2nd round with Landry. And also AFTER the draft with LB McCain & RB Damien Williams.

Uniforms: We have, by far, the sweetest looking home-white uni’s in the NFL! SU-PER-BOWL!

Is it an ominous sign that I've selected a cut player for this picture?

Is it an ominous sign that I’ve selected a cut player for this picture?

Coach Philbin: Still looks like Stan Laurel. Papi said that he looks more like a ref than coach.

OC Lazor: Ask me in 3 weeks. VERY much looking forward to watching that unfold as we’ve not seen half of that offense yet.

GM Hickey: Ask me in 3 years. If I don’t respond, that probably means that I’ve killed myself… so there’s your answer.

Questions: If Misi can’t handle the Mike LB position, what then? If the O-line sucks again (or still), what then? Why does John Luce act like that?

Early Season Strategy: “Survive Until Week Five” Pouncy is a punk who I wish would just stop talking, but a great center… Jordan is another typical Fins ‘reach’ (and apparently very stupid) but has the physique and has shown flashes of greatness… Pro Bowler Rashad Jones… all coming back in week 5. If we’re .500 at that point, that will be a hell of a personnel upgrade right at the bye week.

Season Prediction: If I even tried to wager a guess here, as my friend, I would want you to come here and shoot me in the face with a bazooka, just for being willfully and persistently stupid.

~ Bonus Trivia Question ~

Who was the QB/WR combo that hooked up for the overtime TD in week 15 of the dreaded 2007 season that got is the win and averted yet, another perfect record?

Now step away from Google… the answer is below. If you got it wrong, you should move to and root for Buffalo. If you got it right, you win an afternoon with Gary Penca at his favorite nude beach.

And these were the most flattering pics I could find!

Gary Penca: the Man, the Myth, the Legend – these shots are from Gary’s modeling days.


Game On Baby ~ GO FINS!


by Mike Shannon, Who is AWESOME!

This is me during my modeling days.

This is me during MY modeling days.

Costa Rica Toll Free: 954.727.3128
Costa Rica Cell: 506.6181.4656
Skype: ShanyDawg


~ Bonus Trivia Question Answer ~

Cleo Lemon to Greg Camerillo




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